Stress and Society.....

So I guess this is a little update from me, I've disappeared for a fair few months, I guess I was concentrating on being me again!

Basically I seemed to pull myself (slowly) out of whatever weird stress breakdown I'd found myself in, and have recovered almost back to a normal level. I still find myself feeling a little blue and a little anxious, but on the whole, 80% better. 

What has alarmed me over the recent months though, is how frequently I am hearing other people's stories of how they are going through the same negative downward spirals of anxiety and stress. It makes me wonder, what on earth is going on??

Are you someone (male or female) that has got to a period on their life where you just aren't coping with everyday life? Stressed, panicking, not sleeping, eating disappeared or gone wild, chest pains......you get my drift. I find it very unsettling to hear other people who seem to be stuck in the same loop that I was and most likely will get stuck in again. What are we meant to be doing to help ourselves? We aren't meant to struggle on like this, it's draining, life altering and so very tiring. 

Are we expected too much of as human beings? Society pressures on looking a certain way, keeping up with the joneses, having a certain number of possessions? When really, what is the point if you're struggling to do certain tasks without being on the verge of a massive freak out. 

I guess one oddly nice thing to come out of this is that we aren't alone, that person down the street you believed you had nothing in common with, or that you didn't like, actually may be more like you than you'd ever imagine. Give people a break.....that's my new motto. Don't like the way someone's behaving......? Try and picture what they could be going through right now. That's my new mindset anyway. 

Those odd thoughts you have that make you question yourself.....I have them too. 

Those thoughts that you have about not being where you want in life.....I have them too. 

Those pressures you put on yourself about feeling happy, being happy, fitting in.....I have them too. 

Hmmmmm, maybe I'm not so weird after all. Maybe I've just got a bigger louder voice than others. Come shout with me if you like. 

Peach x

Great, big, dirty label........

MENTAL HEALTH

What a lovely, distressing title. So this post is not intended to offend anyone or play down the seriousness of anyone's issues or conditions. This is purely my own thougths about my own condition. 

I'm going to use me as am example for this, as I obviously know me best! 

I'm your average 26 year old female, had an average upbringing with parents who got divorced and some naughty siblings, went to school, underachieved for my academic abilities but went on nethertheless to build a successful business. I had friends, they chopped and changed, I went to college, I had jobs, I went out and got wasted, moved out, boyfriends. All your fairly mormal stuff! But the difference is, when time gets tough for me through certain situations, strange things happen. My mild 'worrier' personality can develop into a panic disorder and pure O OCD. (Pure O OCD is obsessive, intrusive thoughts about great fears to the individual that are scary and constant). I do have an over sensitive imagination all of the time, always have. But I wouldn't class that as a problem, that is just ME. 

To me, I suffer emotionally, when I have too much going on that I struggle to deal with. So wouldn't it be fair to say I have Emotional Health problems? Mental health is a big, bold statement. And I don't like it. Don't get me wrong, I know I can have problems that can be debilitating at times, but I don't think this label fits for me. 

It makes me feel scared, frightened and it makes me feel WORSE. It makes me scan the Internet for signs of mental illnesses, thus provoking my thoughts further. When to me, it seems, my little episodes of feeling like this, is my body and minds way of dealing what's going on. It certainly stops me worrying about anything else in my life, I'm too busy focusing on it! 

I am me, I am a worrier, I do fear danger and getting hurt. This to me is a personality trait, not a condition. It only becomes a problem when life gets too much. But we forget, I am human, and so are you. We are allowed to be distressed. After all, I don't think we've evolved enough yet to live in the lifestyle we do. This isn't what was meant for us, social media, TV, fake airbrushing, unrealistic expectations, the want want WANT for all these possessions. 

When the shit hits the fan, and I'm not 100%, I panic I have a mental health disorder, which leads to all sorts of scary thoughts. 

So I'm giving myself a new label. I have an Emotional Health disorder. 

The power of thinking.......incredible. 

X

Obtrusive thoughts.....

Now let me explain what I mean here......

We all have obtrusive thoughts in our lifetime, by which I mean, a thought that seems to pop into your head, which is negative and can be extremely frightening. Commonly for many people it is about hurting themselves or other people that they love, disgusting sexual acts or going insane. These thoughts aren't actually what the individual likes to think about, or wants to do, but is something that they greatly fear. People can go to serious lengths to avoid putting themselves in a position that could make them carry out these horrible thoughts they have. For example, if someone was constantly worrying they may snap and harm themselves, they may avoid having knives in their house. 

So for me, my personal obtrusive thoughts are about going insane. Losing my mind. Being carted off. Breaking the hearts of those I love. Never being the same person again. It's pretty overwhelming at times. Now when I'm not feeling particularly anxious, I can look at those thoughts and almost laugh. But when I am feeling anxious......wow, I 100% believe them. It's very bizarre. 

It's hard for me to understand that this is a by product of anxiety as the thoughts are terrifying. And I mean terror. You know that feeling when you feel like your being followed on a dark night alone? Or that someone's in your house?! That kind of terror. And it can strike randomly, when you thought you was all comfy and chilled out. Because it does strike so randomly, I think it fuels the obtrusive thoughts tenfold. It reinforces the ideas that you have about yourself, thus making it 100000x more frightening, and then repeating the cycle. Oh joy. 

There are plenty of things that can also trigger these thoughts off, for me personally there is bloody loads, I'll list a few!

- seeing shadows

- seeing bright lights/reflections

- hearing whispery type noises 

- mishearing people

- thinking people are speaking too quietly/loudly 

- cold gusts of air when I'm indoors 

- getting too excitable, then energy crashing

- Physical symptoms to which include, dizziness, headaches, tingling, numbness in limbs, tight chest

- watching anything to do with mental health 

- feeling foggy or like I'm distant from reality

- talking/thinking about the paranormal 

There's plenty more, but I can't think of them all to list them! Basically it's all things that happen every day that seemingly have started to frighten me to death! If any of those things happen, I start to feel those familiar feelings of panic, which makes me start thinking about what is happening to me, to then questioning my sanity. It's exhausting!!!!  

Anxiety will not kill me. But it can scare the shit out of me! Sometimes even thinking about it all makes me feel so overwhelmed and that I'm swirling 
around, as though I was being sucked and swirled down a plug hole.   

The reality is that it is me creating my own fear. For this cycle to end, I need to become more rational, to realise I really am not in any danger, the likelihood of me going mental is so small. However silly this may seem to some people reading this, at the time it is happening to me, it's extremely real and horrifying. 

I'd like more people to be aware of just how common this is, and to really stop beating themselves up about it. It affects so many more people than I initially realised. This makes me sad :( 

So......what's causing this? What started it? I think it's a reflection of your life in general. Things are wrong, things are missing, things need to be fixed and changed. I think I've started to work out what these issues are for me, but for now I'd like to keep those private. You can't know all my insecurities, that makes me vulnerable! Ha! 

Secondly I think everybody needs a focus and a drive. It turns out I had neither. So I'm working on that too. I'll update on that in future when it's reached it's turnaround point. 

It's a battle, it's a struggle. I constantly think, "why me?!"  I thought I had the acceptance part down to a T.......clearly not. Accepting it's me, it's never going to be easy!

X

Misdiagnosis.....

So my last past was hideous, I was having a severely bad week, alot of anxiety and stress and I'd reached some sort of breaking point. Very unpleasant! 

Anyway, so those of you who have been reading will know that I have been participating in some CBT therapy given to me by the NHS and so far I've praised it pretty highly. So I've seen my therapist Rebecca 5 times up to this point and so far we are still at assessment stage, trying to find out what exactly is going on with me, where is started, why it started, etc etc! I was convinced that I was suffering with GAD (Generalized anxiety disorder) but during our sessions, Rebecca was finding it hard to establish a link between the anxiety and any triggers. I started keeping a diary for her which had the following columns:

- Situation & Trigger
- Emotions 0-100% (physical sensations)
- Initial thought, worry, image, doubt or feeling
- Worry about initial thought or image 
- Alternative response to worry

This diary isn't easy to fill out, it makes you scrutinise how you feel and this for some people (people like me!) can exaggerate the intensity. But, IT IS WORTH CONTINUING. so through these diaries, she has been trying to look for patterns, triggers, situations that may be contributing to my bizarre feelings and sensation. Sometimes an outsider may be able to see something you can't. 

I left last weeks session with the diary then this week came back as normal and we discussed what she had noticed whilst reading it. She came to the conclusion that she thinks I am suffering with panic disorder rather than GAD because it strikes me randomly and because to be honest I'm not worrying about any particular thing, apart from these horrible feelings and sensations I get. 

Now there is a difference between Anxiety disorders and Panic disorder. I'm inserting a link here if you'd like to have a little read! 

Basically though, GAD is anxieties over everyday life events, people being late, mess, money, friends, etc. Panic disorder is often triggered by a stressful event, people find it so alarming and distressing they live in fear of the feeling, creating a relentless cycle of worrying about panic. ME!!!

http://panicdisorder.about.com/od/relatedconditions/a/PDandGAD.htm

There is also something that runs alongside Panic Disorder called 'Limited Symptom Attacks'. This I suffer with HUGELY. Now I was never aware of this disorder or these symptoms. Basically this is less than 4 of the symptoms of a panic attack happening at one time, but lasts a lot longer than a normal 5-20 minute panic attack. But by no means any less frightening! So I've been living most of my days with this LSA disorder, confusing it with GAD. It's nice to know exactly what the problem is. 

A full blown panic attack has to consist of 4 or more of these symptoms:

- Shortness of breath
- Heart palpitations
- Trembling
- Dizziness
- Chest Pain
- Perspiration
- Hot Flashes
- Headache
- Derealization
- Hyperventilation
- Nausea
- Vertigo 
- Lightheadedness
- Burning sensations
- Choking sensations 
- Fear of dying 
- Fear of insanity 

A LSA attack is fewer than 4 of these. Now I have ranged from 3 - 14 of these symptoms at any one time. Yuk. For the most part I've gotten away with hiding it, those around me wouldn't know. But for a few unfortunate times, I literally couldn't hide it. The dizziness and tingles were too hard to act normal around. It's very distressing to let people see you in any state other than normal and happy, but unfortunately with these kind of disorders it's inevitable! 

I had my first panic attack in front of a client this week. I was devastated. It was one I literally couldn't hide. Fortunately she herself used to suffer and she was very sympathic. I was crushed I hadn't been able to hide it, but the force if it, out of nowhere, literally smashed into my body. She was brilliant, was just hard to accept I think. 

Anyway, the point I am trying to make, is I do feel alot of hope. Much more then before. I AM NOT GOING MAD. My fight or flight reflex has gone into overdrive and giving me a real hard time. But I am ready to find that control switch and put it back into a normal mode. I am bloody bored of it, tired of it and I've seriously had enough. 

For those of you who haven't tried CBT, I urge you to try. And give it your all. Those of you who have and felt like it didn't help, you had a bad therapist or bad treatment from the NHS, try again? A new therapist, a new perspective? I'm so glad I took the plunge. I'm not there yet, but I feel like I'm on the right road to teaching myself this isn't my fault, and it is a physical reaction that's going on within my body. 

I hope this has been helpful to some of you!

X

So I had a little break....

Me and my CBT therapist had been discussing how much I was talking, reading, blogging, researching about anxiety and we decided that I was to experiment with not engaging with it all so much, to see if that helped me control it. So that's why it's been so long since I post last! 

So results of that experiment? Can't say I'm any better at all to be honest! Maybe discussing it is more beneficial than I thought! So anyway, here I am, back again. Ready for a little update. It's been extremely emotional since ive been gone, and I feel really low, which is obviously really distressing and not like me at all. So, here goes......

The last few weeks have literally flown by in an awful blur of worry and low mood. I feel like I'm forever trying to pick myself up and those of you who know, that's extremely tiring! I think I've cried more in these last two weeks than I have for the whole 6 month period this had been going on. I hate to have such a negative post when I thought I was doing so well, but I need to be honest with you guys. I guess this is the reality of living with a condition like this. 

So CBT wise, I just had session 4, which was the most extremely emotional, thing I think I've ever done. It was so difficult talking about issues, mainly family, that were clearly a cause of huge emotional distress for me. Even writing this is making me well up, it's very hard to get those things out in the open. It freaks me out how hard it is, and the emotions the CBT brings out in me, but I have to remain hopefull that they are helping teach me skills for life, in coping with the obsticals that will get in my way. Because there WILL be loads in my lifetime and I'm sure in yours too. 

Does anyone else get a swimming head? It feels like the contents of my brain are swishing around as I type even know, my ears feel blocked, my head feels like a lead weight and my theres a lump in my throat. God, it's tiring! 

I've given you 5 paragraphs of miss Negative Nelly to the highest degree, and that my friends, is sucky. I can guarantee you, I am trying my hardest to get this changed, I really am. I want me life back, I want me back, I want all my friends and family to have me back too. I get the feeling now that people are really starting to notice the change in me, and that makes me sad. 

I've heard some brilliant stories of how CBT has changed some people's lives, so you people, if you're reading, get in touch, tell me about it. You could help make a difference in to how somebody is feeling. People who are on the same path as me, want to hear your hope as we are hanging on session to session. 

Winston Churchill described his depression as a big black dog that was on his shoulder, or followed him around. Well fuck me, I get what he means!

Chicken or the egg? Anxiety or the depression? I can't work it out which was first. (Although technically it was the chicken, as only chickens produce the protein to make the shell - learn something new everyday!). 

I think the only good thing I can think right now is that illnesses like this do tend to strike the creative and the intelligent. Ha, always something to feel proud about. 

Right, I'm sure I've made you all miserable as hell, apologies, just wanted to give you a real account of what's going down in la la town. 

Next post will be brighter. I'm sure. 

Ps. This rain DOES NOT HELP! 

X

What goes up, must come down.....

Rollercoaster........I think this perfectly sums up my emotions and feelings. 

My last post I described how I'd had such a good weekend and that I felt that I was getting my old self back. I seriously felt good monday morning. The blog had an absolutely amazing response on Monday, I was retweeted by various big charities and so many of you readers, I had untold comments and messages and I was literally overwhelmed, so thank you all so much. You have no idea what it means! 

I say at home reflecting on the days events, and how great it was that I was worrying less when suddenly a thought hit me. What if I start worrying again? Oh dear, looks like I just did. I got an overwhelming rush of panic and felt such a huge disappointment. I spent the rest of that day feeling a little jittery and with a chatterbox mind. 

Those of you that don't understand what a chatterbox mind is, I'll explain. It's literally where your mind is whirring about 400 thoughts constantly and so fast, that they all seem to blur so quickly I can't even decipher them anymore. Unbelievably frustrating and can heighten my anxiety as I can't even sort out my own thoughts. This can pretty much go on for the whole day, it makes me feel exhausted. Those of you who know me well and know my job, you know that I have no physical reason to be tired, but sometimes my fatigue is overwhelming. 

Anxiety feeds off your negativity, it eats it all up and spits it back out at you with more ferocity. This is turn creates a circle of worry which becomes increasingly vicious and harder to break. So you can imagine my despair when I thought I was getting better and it then took over again, I was crushed. But you see, I AM getting better. A few months back I didn't even have a flicker of the positivity I had that day, therefore I am improving. The way my mind works is a fabulous breeding ground for Annie my anxiety, she likes it here, seems she doesn't want to piss off without a fight! 

So today was CBT session number 2 with Rebecca. We were finishing off from the pervious session, gaining a full assessment of me. I must admit I felt more drained after this session, it's very hard and raw to divulge yourself. I am someone that is happy to talk, I'll tell you all about it, I'll admit it strangers, so it must be SO hard for those of you they struggle to open up. But do remember, they've probably heard a lot worse than you have to say, you must put in to get out. They want to help you. I'm definitely looking forward to more sessions, I just wish I could have more sooner!  
I was sitting down in the waiting room when another older woman came in and sat down. A few minutes went passed and I just struck up a conversation to which she seemed pleased about. I think it's nice for us to not feel alone and that I'm just as normal as she is. It's reassuring. 

I guess what I'm trying to say with all this, is that it's ok for it not to be ok. We aren't designed to be on top of the world 24/7, because then it wouldn't mean anything. But it's also not ok to be not ok 24/7. We all deserve happiness and peace in our lives. We shouldn't live sad, anxious, depressed or in a constant state of fear. 

We are going to be on our own personal rollercoaster throughout life, sometimes it's high, sometimes it's low. I'd just rather mine wasn't so dizzying. 

Oh and for those of you who need to de-stress, take the time. The benefits are HUGE. I typed 'mindful meditation' into YouTube and there are lots of guided videos for you to listen to. So you just lay down, 15 minutes or so, eyes closed and listen to the video. I don't care of you think that makes me sound like a hippie nutter, the truth is it does relax you. Your mind cannot be in two places at once, so having something to focus on is amazing. The more practice you take the better and the more benefits you receive from it. 

Anyway I'm perfectly aware this post is a bit of a jumble, but I had lots of thoughts that needed sharing. 

Thank you guys again for all the social media sharing, it's doing good things!

X

Vanishing Fog.....

It's happening, it's lifting, it's clearing, here comes the blue skies. I cannot tell you how much I have missed you. 

I'm a 25 year old female again, I'm thinking about what nail colour to choose, new clothes for summer, organising my house. Oh hello Sara's mind, where the feck have you been hiding?

Something has snapped and something has changed. I feel relaxed, I'm remembering what it's like to not worry anymore, I'm finally not afraid anymore. It still lingers and it still fluctuates, but Christ, I feel about a 4 on the scale, not a 10. 

As you can probably tell, I'm feeling a tad better. I don't want to get complacent and start running around screaming with joy, I know I'm still on a journey, I'm not niave. So what's gone on? I think for me, acceptance is HUGE. After such a period of time feeling like this, I start to get used to it, which equals me feeling less afraid. This in turn for me, makes me feel more at ease and my feelings seem to calm right down. This has happened to me before, like I've explained in a previous post, when I was 18 and it slowly calmed down. 

I left my first NHS CBT session last Wednesday feeling nice and positive, I felt like there was light at the end of probably a very long tunnel. But there was an end. Maybe that's what's lifted me up, who knows. 

Don't get me wrong, I still feel the same flickers of panic, racing thoughts, etc etc, but for some reason, they just aren't as powerful, other thoughts can seem to take over and push them away. Let me give you an example...

I went to a club called 'Warehouse' on Saturday night, it's very hot and very busy. That's a breeding ground for some maximum anxiety. I got my usual jelly legs on a few occasions and feeling a tad dizzy, now normally that would've started off the feelings of out of control panic. But I thought to myself, "You know that this is your anxiety doing that to you, you know you're absolutely fine, and to be honest, if you really felt that bad, go home."  And the feelings started to lift. Magical. So it turns out I had a really good night, dancing 24/7 with my friends and my boyfriend having a great time. After we left, here comes the second chance on a night out for anxiety to take hold. Finally getting indoors, after drinking, I can sometimes feel very anxious, there's alcohol I'm my body, it promotes weird thoughts and feelings and can really start me off. But, we got in, sat on the sofa under a blanket and had an hour long chat about some really lovely, happy memories. What a nice feeling. 

I woke up Sunday morning and we went for a beautiful breakfast, the sun was shining, the food was amazing, my appetite has gone back to normal (which believe it or not, I am totally happy about, it's means I'm back to my old self) and I just couldn't stop smiling. 

I guess what I'm trying to say to you all, is that there is a way out of this, and you are still in there somewhere, your old personality just rattling around waiting to be found. Don't give up, fight until you're the last man standing. After all, you are the actual physical being, you've just acquired an imaginary evil enemy for a while. And what do they say about enemies? Keep them close, understand them and drain them of their power. 

X

Corrective CBT......

So yesterday was the day I first went to see my new CBT therapist. 

Let me explain a bit about how I got my appointment, as this is a service that has been provided to me by the NHS. 

So firstly I went to my GP to discuss what was going on, obviously it had got to a worrying point that needing addressing. So he was great anyway, not exactly sympathic but informative. So he gave me a self referral letter that you have to fill in and just send off yourself. It's basically a brief introduction of what's going on with you, so they know what they're dealing with. Anyway within about 10 days of sending it off I recieved a phone call asking if I was available the next week for a telephone assessment. The next week they called and we had about a 45 minute chat discussing what the problem was. Now she had an anxiety, depression, phobias checklist that she was working through. They ask you how you feel about certain situations, 1 being not anxious, 10 being very anxious. Or how much your anxiety affects certain situations, 1 being not at all, 10 being very much so. I was between 8-10 for all of them. Lucky me. Then we arranged an appointment for me to come in to see them, within the next two weeks. So really, for all the processes involved, it was fairly quick. I was impressed. 

So I finally got to go yesterday, over to Leytonstone for my first appointment. You have to fill in all the necessary forms of course, so they get to see the levels you're experiencing at this moment in time. 

Oh and before I forget, just I'm case you aren't sure, CBT therapy (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) is all about retraining your brain to stop negative thought patterns that can lead to or worsen anxiety, depression or phobias. So it's a lot of hard work, it's no quick fix and it comes with homework!

So my therapist, Rebecca, as soon as she walked in the room I felt her empathy. I felt like I wanted to talk to her, I imagined her to be not much older than me, which for me was reassuring. We discussed what was going on, and I could feel she understood exactly what I was saying, not just going through the motions. We did check lists, and she was writing down lots of what I was saying. I've had other therapists before that are very quiet, waiting for you to talk, but I found this awkward and strange and I used to fill the silence. But she was always asking me questions, probing in the right directions and getting the most if out the session. 

Obviously the first session is more about painting a picture of me, so we haven't really gone over any strategies or techniques yet. But I just feel so positive about her, I just do. I do feel positive about it helping, and that's the most important thing I feel. Rather than me just spending an hour venting to a stranger (which is what previous therapists have been like), I felt like we were being proactive! I do understand however that I'm not just going to see her once a week and be cured, I know it's a lot of effort required by yourself. But don't let that dishearten you. Nothing is harder than living on red alert, you can improve. 

I understand its all a bit overwhelming, and it takes a lot of dedication, trust me, I really do understand. Even writing that down makes me feel anxious about the task ahead. But what's the other option....? Surrender? No thanks. 

There of course is always the other option of anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medications. My delicious little friend Diazepam! Oh how I love thee! I take these little babies to fly, they work enough to get me on board! But anyway, this is a whole other post!

I'll keep you updated on my CBT with Rebecca, I have high hopes for her!

Oh and Ps.....I think one day, I want her job. 

X

Negative Nelly.......

The power of negativity.....

Some days I wake up negative, those days are seriously frustrating days. Other days I wake up ready to fight these crazy feelings and am pleased to be there, in control and ready to go. 

So how much is behind the power of positivity? 

Now don't get me wrong, any of you guys that know how I feel, when anxiety levels are at their peak, any thoughts of positivity go flying out the bastard window. But on those days, when I feel strong and in control, I literally laugh at myself. I can tell my story to others, giggling at my silly ways, and smiling that I can recognise my thoughts are unfounded and nothing to be worried about. 

Anxiety is a devious little sneak. 

It knows you are frightened of it, it knows how it can cripple your entire days thoughts. It knows that once that vicious little circle of worry is in your mind for the day, that it's in. Little fucker. 

So my eternal question to myself, and to all you lovely little worriers, is how do we break it? Kick it in face, squash it, sit on it, set fire to it to ensure its demise. 

I was due CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) last Thursday, but they unfortunately had to cancel because of the bloody tube. So I'm off tomorrow (well today as you read this), and I must admit I am very much looking forward to it. I know and understand the principles of anxiety. I know how it makes me think and how it makes my body feel. I'm not convinced something serious is wrong with me, or that I am going to die. My fear is that this isn't going to go away. But I am realising that the person who is doing this to me is myself. 

5 months I've been on anxiety red alert. 5 very long, tedious, tiring months. If I can deal with that, surely I can deal with the uphill climb to peacefulness? 

Negativity is all around us, we all create hideous negativity every day. We judge every single human being we lay eyes on. I am also guilty of this, so I won't go preaching. But one thing I have decided on, is that I don't want to be one of those people. I cringe at myself for thinking bad things about others and I cringe even harder listening to others slagging people off. Part of my job as a beautician is to listen to people venting. Explaining their insecurities in obvious ways and by me just picking them up in their body language. It has a profound effect on how people view themselves and how they live their lives. We really should be a kinder race. 

I'm in my naughty struggling to sleep pattern right now, so hence the late post. An over tired body creates an over tired mind. 

The human body is EXTREMELY powerful. I defiantly contributed to the way I'm feeling, by allowing the fear to take hold. I most definitely plan on correcting this. 

X 

Depersonalisation hell......

Not many of you may know what this is, it's a very peculiar sensation that not all anxiety sufferers get. Those of you that do, that are reading this, but are terrified of it, don't worry, I am too. 

Basically it makes you feel very peculiar, spaced out, floaty, like you're not really in the room, everything feels muffled and hazy and sometimes tunnel vision. I'm looking at someone and everything else looks fuzzy around them, like I'm sinking away. Sounds weird right, well it IS weird. 

Recently I have learnt that is normally a side effect of an extreme tired mind. Well I defiantly have one of those! Basically it's your mind and body's way of having a rest, it's tired, exhausted of listening to itself. You spend so much time worrying and analysing every little thought and feeling you are having of every second of every day, that you do become detached from reality in a way, it can make you cocooned in your own life and world. 

So for me, what I want to work out is hard to recuperate from this. So I'm going to give the relaxing CDs a huge go, if that can help ease my tired mind. 

When you start suffering from something like this, for someone with anxiety, it sends you into a complete panic meltdown because it feels so strange. Worrying and scary. 

How extreme is the human body and mind ay. Wonderful and bizarre in equal measures. 

I've had lots of private contact from other people who have been suffering or struggling. And it literally breaks my heart. I hope any of you who need to talk would be happy to contact me, or anyone you think would be worthy of listening. Give sharing it a try.....

X 

Operation Mental Meltdown.......

I've come to the decision that there are so many things I can do to give myself a much better chance of becoming calmer and healthier. So today is the day I start putting it all into action! I went to Slimming World last night with Natalie (she is doing amazing by the way!) because I want to lose a small amount of weight, but also to force me to choose healthy choices which ultimately are good for your body and mind. So today is the first day of my slimming world choices, I'm looking forward to the positive effects eating well brings!

Also I've been on antibiotics, which as we all know make you feel hideous! So I've finished that course now, which means bring on the supplements! I've done a fair bit of research on what ones would be helpful in helping me feel calmer and more settled. I've mentioned all of these in a previous post in a lot more detail. These include, St Johns wort, Omega 3, Magnesium, B12 and a vitamin C just to keep my immune system boosted. 

I do really think its important that for me personally I do take some time to do some calming exercises. I always dismiss the importance of this when actually it is probably the most important of all. These include yoga, and meditation exercises. Ok, for most of you, that will sound bonkers, but it's not actually what you think! There are meditation CDs you can buy, that you just listen to, laying down, whilst just doing gentle breathing exercises. This includes breathing in to a count of 6, hold for 4, out for 8. Or similar. You have no idea how calming they are, literally, helps empty your mind to count. I can't stress that enough! Really, we should all take at least 30 minutes a day to quietly relax, and that doesn't include infront of the box. Yoga has been around for thousands of years, it does help, I'm pretty sure it's been proven that regular yoga can help calm and ease depression in individuals. 

Basically what im saying is you get out what you put in. If you're out partying, drinking, smoking, eating hungover takeaways, it's most likely to aggrevate your anxiety. How unfortunate! It may make your feel better temporarily, but you need to think of the long term. 

I do think all these three factors for me will have some sort of effect. It's going to be hard to implement them all, but, I'm giving it a go. I'll report back in a week on this post, squeeze your fingers for me that it's an improvement! 

Oh and of course, I'm off to that CBT therapist tomorrow. Be interesting to see what they have to say! 

Anyway, I'm off to go and have a healthy breakfast and get these supplements down me! 

X

Tears and therapy....

Therapy......Stigma. Fact!

What is everyone's deal with therapy anyway, even mentioning therapy seems to make lts of people feel uncomfortable! I've personally had a few experiences of therapy since my first serious anxious cycle when I was about 18. For me, I had got to the point where all the thoughts I had rushing round my mind, I literally couldn't keep to myself anymore. They weren't making any sense anymore and I was making myself feel so much worse. So I just googled anxiety and therapy, found someone local and off I went. 

It was a bit strange, it's very hard to tell a stranger what the problem is, especially when you're not too sure yourself. Anyway, I only saw this women for around 3 sessions, and it just didn't feel right. Maybe it was her, maybe it was me. Then I proceeded to try some hypnotherapy. Again, I don't know if I'm one of those people who isn't susceptible to hypnotherapy or not, but I found it a little weird. Trying to visualise 'happy places' and warm sunny beaches etc. But for anyone that suffers with serious anxiety, you could put me in a bath full of chocolate with David Beckham on a balcony in Mexico and I still am not going to feel 'relaxed'. Know what I mean? Felt stupid to me! 

Anyway, my period of anxiety seemed to just ease off then, I got a new job, new focus and it chilled out. This time round I went off again to someone different for some more 'talking' therapy. Hmmm, it was ok, it was a lot of me talking, explaining my life, past, etc. But I think I guess what I kind of wanted, is to walk in and for someone to confidently say, "You will get better, lets get this sorted and stop you worrying."  I don't really want to discuss my childhood, my family, my relationships. I just want some tools on anxiety management. 

So, I ended up going to the GP at a point where I was getting exhausted of being so freaked out by every thought and every feeling in my body. He was good, didn't exactly have a sympathetic voice, but he seemed like he had knowledge in what I as talking about. Reassuring. So he talked about the severity and length of what was going on, and I scored very high on the anxiety scale. Sad face, that made me feel even more anxious. Well everything made me feel anxious at that point! He suggested anti-depressants, which I kind of shrugged off. Now this isn't because I don't agree with medication or think it works, because I think it does work and I think it's amazing that they have that available. The thought that there was something if I really couldn't cope calmed me down immeasurably. But for me, I knew I'd been though this before, fought it off and it left me alone. So I thought it best to give it a good kick myself first. Next he suggested a self referral letter that you fill out and send off to your local council mental health unit for some NHS therapy. So this I did and amazingly within 2 weeks I had a phone call, an over the phone assessment and was put on the list for some CBT therapy. 

CBT therapy is Cognative Behavioural Therapy. It's basically retraining your brain to stop thinking the negative thought patterns. Because for the majority of people, you didn't always feel anxious, you've trained your brain and body into feeling under threat. Hence the anxiety, the flood of adrenaline and the feeling of being on edge constantly. 

The woman I spoke to was comforting, pleasant and sounded interested. I already cannot wait to have a chat with her. I'm actually going this Thursday to have my first session with her. Now I am feeling around 70% better from when it was at its worst a few months ago, but I think that potentially it has a threat to rear it's ugly head whenever it likes, so it can't do any halm to go and see what they have to say and it could be beneficial to me. I'll let you know how it goes. 

Also I got recommended another therapist by one of my friends who explained that he used to suffer, and that he had seen this women in Epping, Essex, who had helped him overcome his anxiety issues. She went through something called the Thrive Programme with him in his sessions. If I had looked at the website without recommendation, I think I would've thought it was a pile of shit. But from a close experience recommendation, it's hard to ignore. I think it is like CBT, maybe using different methods, I'm not sure. Here's the link to the website: http://www.thriveprogramme.org/ 

I think I may give it a go. Can't do any harm can it. Keep you updated. 

Therapy isn't for everyone. But I do think talking is. :-). 

X

Drinking and deranged paranoia.....

Drinking, drinking, drinking. 

A totally hit and miss activity for me whilst I'm going through an anxious period. This is for a number of reasons, I'll explain. 

Firstly, for me, anxiety can make my body feel pretty strange, the usual dizziness, unsteadiness, a bit floaty etc and obviously alcohol can completely accelerate this. So I guess as I am trying to stay in control of how my body feels so much, drinking can sometimes just send me over the edge! Personally I really don't understand how some people with anxiety issues can drink to make themselves feel better, it really doesn't work for me. It actually has a huge detrimental effect, it's a depressant for one, that's never helpful. 

The day after drinking is never particularly fun for me, I'm not sure of the science of it, but for some reason my anxiety is worse with a hangover. Not sure if this is because of tiredness, or the body trying to work off the alcohol so I'm already at a low ebb. Psychologically I'm already worried about hangover day, so that probably makes it alot worse too, I'm already paranoid about feeling anxious, enter negative, worrying thought pattern. 

Also, I'm a definite worrier on a night out, I'm always so vigilant and aware of surroundings. This obviously has its advantages, but also huge disadvantages. For example, I'm paranoid about people's intentions, stranger danger and all that. But I'm always thinking, who are they? Do they look aggressive? What do they want from me/us? Why is he trying to buy me a drink, ulterior motive? As you can imagine, I NEVER accept drinks from anyone, EVER. Besides, I earn my own money, I'm cool for a drink thanks! I don't trust anyone to look after my drinks, not even my friends, not because I think they'll spike me, but they'll never look after if like I will. God, I am paranoid aren't I. 

We got bought shots last night, by a random geezer at the bar. The rest of the group happily downed theirs, while I eyeballed it like it was secret acid. Fair to say I disposed of mine. Whilst in another bar, I found a random shot glass in my drink, why me!? Panic sets in. It took me a good 45 minutes of mentally talking to myself, convincing myself that even if I was spiked, I wouldn't die and I would feel fine after a visit to the hospital. Great thought patterns when everyone else is dancing around to cheesy pop. Annoying! 

Another fear of mine, is being someone who tries to cover problems with other problems. So for me, I will never use alcohol as a release. That will not help me, it only masks a problem that's difficult in dealing with. Think I'll pass on making myself worse! I fear that I'd be one of those people who would have to drink to feel fine, or to survive the pressure of life. I do not want that, prolonging this situation is not up there on my list of to do's! 

I would love to really enjoy drinking again, and I'm pretty confident I will one day soon. I've been through this before, and it went, so I know it'll pass eventually! I hate feeling like I'm being boring and not joining in. But my health and your health is important. Don't let what anyone thinks of you worry you. I'm starting to learn that other people's opinions aren't important, apart from those that mean anything to you. 

Anyways, for now, I'm pleased to focus on being healthy, happy and in a good place. I've got all the tools, just need the time now. 

X

Transport troubles.....

So this is a big one for me, causes untold amounts of stress. So by transport I mainly mean public transport. The tube is literally the devils work. A metal tube, enclosed, in a tunnel with a wall an inch either side of it.......and I'm supposed to be ok with that!? Ha! 

The whole transport thing started for me along time ago, on a flight to Malia, with my friends Natalie and Rachael. Previously never been frightened of flying before, had flown to NYC etc, no bother. So we was in the air, and I thought "ooooh, we must be nearly there!" Looked at my watch, only an hour had passes. Insert that vile wave of panic that rushes to the pit of your stomach.......I've got ages on this plane left. Fuck. Managed to stay calm, ignored it. Anyway, the whole holiday I remember thinking I didn't like that feeling, I'm not looking forward to the flight home, my panic is slowly rising every day. Day of the flight comes, I'm starting to panic. Coach picks us up, I'm starting to get hot, I need to go to the toilet, oh shit.....I'm freaking out! 

Now the girls I went with, when they read this, they will laugh. I mean now I can laugh about it, but it was horrendous at the time. I start stripping on the coach, I'm sitting in my bra because I am SWEATING! Every time we stopped to pick up more people at a new hotel, I run in to use the toilet, this is awful. I get to the airport and turn round to the girls and flatly say' " I'm not doing it, I can't do this, I cannot get on this flight!!" Girls look at me like I just grew another head. Awkward! I'd been trying to call my boyfriend at the time and left him a deranged panicked message on his voicemail. He couldn't get through to me, so called THE AIRPORT, to which they announced over the TANNOY that, "Sara Peachey, your boyfriend is trying to contact you, please come to customer services."  Oh Christ, what's just happened! Ended up having to go to the medical room to get some calming stuff they give to children. But if you read my previous post, I hate taking medication. Give me a break! Anyway, took it, calmed down and boarded the flight. Fine. 

But as you can imagine, that sparked a massive deal with flying for me, I've never been the same since, and that was about 6 years ago. Now I have to take Valium before flights, praise The Lord for diazepam. I heart you. Still doesn't stop me panicking though, I'm just moderately better. Oh the joys. 

Anyway, the tube freaks me out in case it breaks down, I cannot cope with being stuck on there, I will have a panic attack most likely, so you avoid it at any cost. I hate being stuck in traffic, I can't get out, escape. Oh and I don't like being in the back of cars without a door, or at least an opening window. Haha, writing this makes me giggle at myself, but I cannot help it. The fear of panic is far too great. 

2013 is the year of exposure I've decided. There are many things I avoid because of the fear of panicking. Long train journeys, theme parks (due to being strapped down in a seat!), or anything that's slightly claustrophobic. It means spontaneity can be out of the question sometimes, that's annoying. 

So bucket list 2013 for some overcoming Anxiety Exposure Therapy :

- Long train to other part of the country
- The Eurostar 
- The London Eye 
- A Theme Park
- Getting over the back of the car thing
- Riding the tube in rush hour. (This is my least favourite of them all, the day I do this relaxed, is the day I win) 

I'm sure if I thought of it, there's many more things I do in avoidance, but, one step at a time ay! 

On and in regards to the being called 'Nutter', I've been affectionately named the 'Funny Bunny' by my boyfriend. I have eccentricities, I like that, otherwise I'd be boring. So that name can stay! 

X   

Nutter......are you calling me a nutter!?

Let me start with a poignant picture......

What I want to know is why we crave so hard to give off a perception of perfection.  Don't get me wrong, I am guilty of this myself. But why, we are human, we are allowed to be who we want to be, we fought for that didn't we? 

I, like many people, don't like to appear anything less than happy, fine, sorted, perfect. And to be honest, I do a pretty good job of it. So lets look at my life facts, so you can know me, and understand how things like this have no prejudice. 

I have a successful beauty business that I carved out from scratch at the tender age of 21. Nice. I have a beautiful flat (rented) but nevertheless, furnished and made my home all by myself. I have a bloody great family, who I adore, with all their beautiful eccentricities that make them mine. Fantastic friends who mean the world, who have been there and been a great comfort of late. And most recently a boyfriend who gives me butterflies at every waking minute he's in my company. So why do I feel anxious? Fuck knows!! Answers please!

I do criticise myself, don't we all, terrible characteristic if you ask me. Oops, there I go again! But regardless, I seem to have got myself into a bizarre little pattern of negative, worrying, anxious thinking. Probably brought on from stress, 2012 was a bit of a shite year to say the least! But the real problem is that I have gone from worrying about day to day problems, to worrying about worrying so much. BAM -I just got myself a problem. 

"Fuck!", I think.........."I've got a problem."  Insert more insane worrying. Anyone relating? I bet theres a few of you. 

In regards to the title, I have a big problem with people calling me a 'nutter' or 'mental' or something similar as a joke. I get rather defensive, when really I'm thinking, "How can you tell....? Am I really that obvious?" Tee hee.......

Had thoughts, vented, got so many more to come. Am appreciating the reading more than you'd ever know. 

Self therapy, through social media. I like. 

X

Self medicating?!

So today is stirring up a lot for me.....

I've had many people already contact me expressing that they feel the same way as me, and totally understand where I'm coming from. Makes it even more important to stand up and talk about this weird condition. It really is an elephant in the mind, nobody wants to talk about it, even though we know its there. Why is that? Why is there such a huge stigma? I'd love to know people's thoughts on this.......

I'd love to have an off switch to my mind, mmmmm some silence! 

So I have tried many things in the fight against anxiety, some have been hugely helpful. I know we're all different and have our own kinds of anxiety, but it doesn't hurt to give it a try. 

* Yoga - took me a while to get into yoga, but I did find it pretty helpful. Typically I've been ill for the most part of January so haven't done ANY. Fool. As you may know yourself, with anything that makes you feel better, persistence is the key. Must try harder!

* Better diet - We all know this, it's a fact, the less processed the better. Easier said than done when you feel like shit though, lets be honest! 

*Malteasers - Well, they make me happy! Chuck a bunny I'm the mix and even better!

* St. John's Wort - Ok this is fairly new to me. Being ridiculously anxious for over 4 months started to wear me down (naturally), so I was feeling a bit low. Did some research, and came across this. So I bought some and gave it a go. Now you have to be careful with this. It interacts with plenty of other medications, some of the main ones being antidepressants, anti anxiety meds and the contraceptive pill. I only managed to take half a pill for two days before I got prescribed antibiotics, so I had to stop taking them. It can interfere with certain antibiotics so I thought better safe than sorry.  I have high hopes for these, so I will keep you updated. Not sure about any of you guys but I definitely have anxieties about taking ANY medication, freaks me out.....so it was a struggle to even take one, hence why I bit it in half! Anyone have any good thoughts on these? Be interested to hear. Oh and I must say, I saw a lot of comments about the quality of the product. I bought a brand called Kira One a Day - Low mood relief - 450mg. Best on the market apparently. 

* Supplements - Have researched a lot and have heard good things about a few supplements. Omega 3, MUST be good quality, I bought 1000mg capsules and you can take up to 3 a day. Apparently high DHA is a big benefit, so look out for that! 
Vitamin B12, now these help support nerve tissues and brain cells, also promoting better sleep. Heard good things about B12! 
Magnesium, this helps towards normal function of the nervous system and normal psychological function (I could do with a bit of that!!!!) and also helps with the reduction of tiredness and fatigue. 

*Aerobic exercise - This does help for me because it helps to burn off the excess adrenalin I seem to produce. Also good for clearing the mind. Only downfall is that I suffer with lazyitis, AKA, I can't be bothered syndrome. Oooops. 

SO......! As I am so full of tips and useful things that actually work, I guess I better get too it and get cracking. I want to keep you all informed and let you know how it goes. I'm on antibiotics until the weekend, and then I'm out partying on Saturday, so lets just be frank and admit I'll be starting on Monday! 

So the plan is : 

Back into the yoga, running and swimming (eeek), taking all my supplements as listed above and get my bloody diet sorted. WISH ME LUCK!

Ps.....aware I have rambled, but some of you may find it helpful :) 

X 

Pics for thought.....

My best friend is an avid YouTuber, she has her own channel and her own blog for make up, she's awesome, check her out (Blushblendbeauty - YouTube channel). She's been helping me in the right direction for getting the blog up and running, so a big thanks to you my princess! 

So anyways, bare with me, I will get the hang of it soon enough! 

Just found some pictures I felt we're so apt for my blog, I can be easily snapped back to reality when anxiety takes hold by simple things I see or read. So here goes.....

This literally couldn't be any more true if it tried! This is a fact for me, and probably for most of you. This is one I always want to try and remember. 

I love this, thankfully I have a lovely, cuddly boyfriend who I attack with affection on a daily basis. And it's true, it's a fact, 5 minutes next to him and I do feel better. Human touch is amazingly important. We could all do well to remember that!

X

The dreaded 'A' bomb

Oh, the dreaded 'A' bomb.......

The most haunted word in my vocabulary. Anxiety. Ergh, there you go, I said it.  For those of you who know full well what I'm talking about, I know you can feel my agony. For those of you who don't, I'd like to try and explain......

An Elephant in the mind is the best way of describing the peculiar way it makes you feel. Everybody around you is living, breathing, enjoying. Whereas you, have this massive Elephant sitting there in your mind, creating a huge fog, that you don't dare to talk about.  

Mental Health. The two other biggest, scariest words I think I can ever lay my eyes on. These two words shake me to my very core, I hate to read them, I hate to hear them, I guess I am far from acceptance. Just reading that makes me feel like I am going mental, they send me into an anxiety filled panic, much like many things in my life, ha! 

Ok, so let me actually explain how anxiety feels for me. I wouldn't say I have panic disorder, which is where people have full blown panic attacks (can't breathe, tight chest, racing thoughts, feeling like they're going to die, sweating, often feeling like a heart attack). I consider myself to suffer with Generalised Anxiety. This consists of a lot of worrying, constant worrying. Mainly I worry about always worrying. Hence the vicious cycle of worrying......hope you're following me! It's hugely mentally draining, I often feel exhausted from it, which leaves me lethargic and very upset. I often get a tough chest, lots of acid reflux (indigestion) headaches, bizarre twitches in my body, numbness in my arms and legs (this is particularly vile, I despise this symptom!), feeling very weak and jelly legs. Oh and of course, ridiculous racing thoughts, and an inability to concentrate and communicate properly! 

The racing thoughts are very scary, uncontrollable, makes me feel like I'm going crazy, losing my mind (which of course I am not, it's the most common thought an anxiety sufferer has!). I cannot stop them, I feel out of control, very frightened, tearful. You get the gist of it, it's pretty weird. 

Why me, why us, why you? 

I wish I had the answer to that question. Although I do know that it isn't a weakness. How many people do you know that would get up every day, work, socialise and deal with that on a daily basis, and still be ok. Definitely not for the weak........

I could go on for forever about this, I've researched it to the hilt. But I would like to discuss treatments, and managing techniques if anyone's interested.......

Apologies for the very formal first post, it's hard to explain this without the formality. But from here on out, it'll just be me, a day in the life of a Generalised Anxiety Disorder sufferer! 

Come join me.........