What I want to know is why we crave so hard to give off a perception of perfection. Don't get me wrong, I am guilty of this myself. But why, we are human, we are allowed to be who we want to be, we fought for that didn't we?
I, like many people, don't like to appear anything less than happy, fine, sorted, perfect. And to be honest, I do a pretty good job of it. So lets look at my life facts, so you can know me, and understand how things like this have no prejudice.
I have a successful beauty business that I carved out from scratch at the tender age of 21. Nice. I have a beautiful flat (rented) but nevertheless, furnished and made my home all by myself. I have a bloody great family, who I adore, with all their beautiful eccentricities that make them mine. Fantastic friends who mean the world, who have been there and been a great comfort of late. And most recently a boyfriend who gives me butterflies at every waking minute he's in my company. So why do I feel anxious? Fuck knows!! Answers please!
I do criticise myself, don't we all, terrible characteristic if you ask me. Oops, there I go again! But regardless, I seem to have got myself into a bizarre little pattern of negative, worrying, anxious thinking. Probably brought on from stress, 2012 was a bit of a shite year to say the least! But the real problem is that I have gone from worrying about day to day problems, to worrying about worrying so much. BAM -I just got myself a problem.
"Fuck!", I think.........."I've got a problem." Insert more insane worrying. Anyone relating? I bet theres a few of you.
In regards to the title, I have a big problem with people calling me a 'nutter' or 'mental' or something similar as a joke. I get rather defensive, when really I'm thinking, "How can you tell....? Am I really that obvious?" Tee hee.......
Had thoughts, vented, got so many more to come. Am appreciating the reading more than you'd ever know.
Self therapy, through social media. I like.
X
I found your blog through Natalie (blushblendbeauty)and SO relate to what you're going through. I'd say I've had bouts of anxiety on and off for years but from 2008-2012 I was basically crippled by it. Again everything perfect family, friends amazing boyfriend but found silly small stuff started off a pattern and it snowballed to the point I end up really ill with IBS, had to leave my job and pretty much became housebound and terrified of social situations. Would worry people thought I was a weirdo and anti-social (no-one WANTS to feel that shitty!) I just couldn't help it and slowly every situation was becoming scary. Again I have only had around 5 full blown panic attacks but the worry stopping me from doing so much stuff incase I did have another. Sorry if this sounds so rambly but I just got fed up of feeling like I'd lost me, the bubbly sociable girl I was to a frightened, jobless hermit :-/ I TORTURED my doctors and finally she referred my for CBT (anti-depressants did nothing for me) and the CBT helped so much. Everyones different but I;d really recommend it no matter how 'bad' or 'small' you feel your anxiety is, its best to sort it out as soon as possible before you get into bad patterns and start losing aspects of your life like I did. I also found reading positive thinking books (cheesy I know) helped The Secret - Rhonda Byrne, Feel the fear and do it anyway - Susan Jeffers. Just hope you're able to manage it better soon and its so, so common so reading a blog from a girl of a similar age really helps reassure yourself you're not a freak. Big props to you for writing a blog about it!
ReplyDeleteHey Hun, I find it incredibly reassuring to read about other girls like me, or other guys like me, when its at a peak point it's very isolating and lonely, I completely understand how I feel. A major part of my anxiety is feeling like it might get worse, so I'm hoping that keeps me motivated in trying managing techniques and to make sure I keep doing things and not putting them off. I'm awaiting some CBT training, so I'm looking forward to trying that, I too I have a feeling it'll be helpful to me, so that's nice to know its helped you :-) its good to hear you're feeling better, well done to you, I know that must've been a huge mountain to climb! Thanks for the book recommendations, appreciate it xxxx
Deletei really wish that people who dont have anxiety or depression didnt lable people... even as a joke. i found it so hard at school, having a friend that quite obviously had issues, and in comparison me having none people decided it was ok to joke - or quite puroposly in some cases say things that made me think i was nor normal and should be ashamed. it made me cover what i was feeling for a very long time - giving the perception of having got over it after a funny five minutes. i still do cover it up thinking of how these people at school reacted, and as a consequence i've had some really bad days.
ReplyDeletei love that with this blog you are making it ok to know that normal people have these problems!
It's always better to talk in my eyes, we try to ignore that something is happening and I do think that accelerates the situation. I think people aren't meat to cope alone, we are meant to be around other people, and those around us love us and care about us. If they knew we were suffering they'd want to help. I really hope things are better for you now :) xxx
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