So this is a big one for me, causes untold amounts of stress. So by transport I mainly mean public transport. The tube is literally the devils work. A metal tube, enclosed, in a tunnel with a wall an inch either side of it.......and I'm supposed to be ok with that!? Ha!
The whole transport thing started for me along time ago, on a flight to Malia, with my friends Natalie and Rachael. Previously never been frightened of flying before, had flown to NYC etc, no bother. So we was in the air, and I thought "ooooh, we must be nearly there!" Looked at my watch, only an hour had passes. Insert that vile wave of panic that rushes to the pit of your stomach.......I've got ages on this plane left. Fuck. Managed to stay calm, ignored it. Anyway, the whole holiday I remember thinking I didn't like that feeling, I'm not looking forward to the flight home, my panic is slowly rising every day. Day of the flight comes, I'm starting to panic. Coach picks us up, I'm starting to get hot, I need to go to the toilet, oh shit.....I'm freaking out!
Now the girls I went with, when they read this, they will laugh. I mean now I can laugh about it, but it was horrendous at the time. I start stripping on the coach, I'm sitting in my bra because I am SWEATING! Every time we stopped to pick up more people at a new hotel, I run in to use the toilet, this is awful. I get to the airport and turn round to the girls and flatly say' " I'm not doing it, I can't do this, I cannot get on this flight!!" Girls look at me like I just grew another head. Awkward! I'd been trying to call my boyfriend at the time and left him a deranged panicked message on his voicemail. He couldn't get through to me, so called THE AIRPORT, to which they announced over the TANNOY that, "Sara Peachey, your boyfriend is trying to contact you, please come to customer services." Oh Christ, what's just happened! Ended up having to go to the medical room to get some calming stuff they give to children. But if you read my previous post, I hate taking medication. Give me a break! Anyway, took it, calmed down and boarded the flight. Fine.
But as you can imagine, that sparked a massive deal with flying for me, I've never been the same since, and that was about 6 years ago. Now I have to take Valium before flights, praise The Lord for diazepam. I heart you. Still doesn't stop me panicking though, I'm just moderately better. Oh the joys.
Anyway, the tube freaks me out in case it breaks down, I cannot cope with being stuck on there, I will have a panic attack most likely, so you avoid it at any cost. I hate being stuck in traffic, I can't get out, escape. Oh and I don't like being in the back of cars without a door, or at least an opening window. Haha, writing this makes me giggle at myself, but I cannot help it. The fear of panic is far too great.
2013 is the year of exposure I've decided. There are many things I avoid because of the fear of panicking. Long train journeys, theme parks (due to being strapped down in a seat!), or anything that's slightly claustrophobic. It means spontaneity can be out of the question sometimes, that's annoying.
So bucket list 2013 for some overcoming Anxiety Exposure Therapy :
- Long train to other part of the country
- The Eurostar
- The London Eye
- A Theme Park
- Getting over the back of the car thing
- Riding the tube in rush hour. (This is my least favourite of them all, the day I do this relaxed, is the day I win)
I'm sure if I thought of it, there's many more things I do in avoidance, but, one step at a time ay!
On and in regards to the being called 'Nutter', I've been affectionately named the 'Funny Bunny' by my boyfriend. I have eccentricities, I like that, otherwise I'd be boring. So that name can stay!
X
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