It's happening, it's lifting, it's clearing, here comes the blue skies. I cannot tell you how much I have missed you.
I'm a 25 year old female again, I'm thinking about what nail colour to choose, new clothes for summer, organising my house. Oh hello Sara's mind, where the feck have you been hiding?
Something has snapped and something has changed. I feel relaxed, I'm remembering what it's like to not worry anymore, I'm finally not afraid anymore. It still lingers and it still fluctuates, but Christ, I feel about a 4 on the scale, not a 10.
As you can probably tell, I'm feeling a tad better. I don't want to get complacent and start running around screaming with joy, I know I'm still on a journey, I'm not niave. So what's gone on? I think for me, acceptance is HUGE. After such a period of time feeling like this, I start to get used to it, which equals me feeling less afraid. This in turn for me, makes me feel more at ease and my feelings seem to calm right down. This has happened to me before, like I've explained in a previous post, when I was 18 and it slowly calmed down.
I left my first NHS CBT session last Wednesday feeling nice and positive, I felt like there was light at the end of probably a very long tunnel. But there was an end. Maybe that's what's lifted me up, who knows.
Don't get me wrong, I still feel the same flickers of panic, racing thoughts, etc etc, but for some reason, they just aren't as powerful, other thoughts can seem to take over and push them away. Let me give you an example...
I went to a club called 'Warehouse' on Saturday night, it's very hot and very busy. That's a breeding ground for some maximum anxiety. I got my usual jelly legs on a few occasions and feeling a tad dizzy, now normally that would've started off the feelings of out of control panic. But I thought to myself, "You know that this is your anxiety doing that to you, you know you're absolutely fine, and to be honest, if you really felt that bad, go home." And the feelings started to lift. Magical. So it turns out I had a really good night, dancing 24/7 with my friends and my boyfriend having a great time. After we left, here comes the second chance on a night out for anxiety to take hold. Finally getting indoors, after drinking, I can sometimes feel very anxious, there's alcohol I'm my body, it promotes weird thoughts and feelings and can really start me off. But, we got in, sat on the sofa under a blanket and had an hour long chat about some really lovely, happy memories. What a nice feeling.
I woke up Sunday morning and we went for a beautiful breakfast, the sun was shining, the food was amazing, my appetite has gone back to normal (which believe it or not, I am totally happy about, it's means I'm back to my old self) and I just couldn't stop smiling.
I guess what I'm trying to say to you all, is that there is a way out of this, and you are still in there somewhere, your old personality just rattling around waiting to be found. Don't give up, fight until you're the last man standing. After all, you are the actual physical being, you've just acquired an imaginary evil enemy for a while. And what do they say about enemies? Keep them close, understand them and drain them of their power.
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