What goes up, must come down.....

Rollercoaster........I think this perfectly sums up my emotions and feelings. 

My last post I described how I'd had such a good weekend and that I felt that I was getting my old self back. I seriously felt good monday morning. The blog had an absolutely amazing response on Monday, I was retweeted by various big charities and so many of you readers, I had untold comments and messages and I was literally overwhelmed, so thank you all so much. You have no idea what it means! 

I say at home reflecting on the days events, and how great it was that I was worrying less when suddenly a thought hit me. What if I start worrying again? Oh dear, looks like I just did. I got an overwhelming rush of panic and felt such a huge disappointment. I spent the rest of that day feeling a little jittery and with a chatterbox mind. 

Those of you that don't understand what a chatterbox mind is, I'll explain. It's literally where your mind is whirring about 400 thoughts constantly and so fast, that they all seem to blur so quickly I can't even decipher them anymore. Unbelievably frustrating and can heighten my anxiety as I can't even sort out my own thoughts. This can pretty much go on for the whole day, it makes me feel exhausted. Those of you who know me well and know my job, you know that I have no physical reason to be tired, but sometimes my fatigue is overwhelming. 

Anxiety feeds off your negativity, it eats it all up and spits it back out at you with more ferocity. This is turn creates a circle of worry which becomes increasingly vicious and harder to break. So you can imagine my despair when I thought I was getting better and it then took over again, I was crushed. But you see, I AM getting better. A few months back I didn't even have a flicker of the positivity I had that day, therefore I am improving. The way my mind works is a fabulous breeding ground for Annie my anxiety, she likes it here, seems she doesn't want to piss off without a fight! 

So today was CBT session number 2 with Rebecca. We were finishing off from the pervious session, gaining a full assessment of me. I must admit I felt more drained after this session, it's very hard and raw to divulge yourself. I am someone that is happy to talk, I'll tell you all about it, I'll admit it strangers, so it must be SO hard for those of you they struggle to open up. But do remember, they've probably heard a lot worse than you have to say, you must put in to get out. They want to help you. I'm definitely looking forward to more sessions, I just wish I could have more sooner!  
I was sitting down in the waiting room when another older woman came in and sat down. A few minutes went passed and I just struck up a conversation to which she seemed pleased about. I think it's nice for us to not feel alone and that I'm just as normal as she is. It's reassuring. 

I guess what I'm trying to say with all this, is that it's ok for it not to be ok. We aren't designed to be on top of the world 24/7, because then it wouldn't mean anything. But it's also not ok to be not ok 24/7. We all deserve happiness and peace in our lives. We shouldn't live sad, anxious, depressed or in a constant state of fear. 

We are going to be on our own personal rollercoaster throughout life, sometimes it's high, sometimes it's low. I'd just rather mine wasn't so dizzying. 

Oh and for those of you who need to de-stress, take the time. The benefits are HUGE. I typed 'mindful meditation' into YouTube and there are lots of guided videos for you to listen to. So you just lay down, 15 minutes or so, eyes closed and listen to the video. I don't care of you think that makes me sound like a hippie nutter, the truth is it does relax you. Your mind cannot be in two places at once, so having something to focus on is amazing. The more practice you take the better and the more benefits you receive from it. 

Anyway I'm perfectly aware this post is a bit of a jumble, but I had lots of thoughts that needed sharing. 

Thank you guys again for all the social media sharing, it's doing good things!

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