So my last past was hideous, I was having a severely bad week, alot of anxiety and stress and I'd reached some sort of breaking point. Very unpleasant!
Anyway, so those of you who have been reading will know that I have been participating in some CBT therapy given to me by the NHS and so far I've praised it pretty highly. So I've seen my therapist Rebecca 5 times up to this point and so far we are still at assessment stage, trying to find out what exactly is going on with me, where is started, why it started, etc etc! I was convinced that I was suffering with GAD (Generalized anxiety disorder) but during our sessions, Rebecca was finding it hard to establish a link between the anxiety and any triggers. I started keeping a diary for her which had the following columns:
- Situation & Trigger
- Emotions 0-100% (physical sensations)
- Initial thought, worry, image, doubt or feeling
- Worry about initial thought or image
- Alternative response to worry
This diary isn't easy to fill out, it makes you scrutinise how you feel and this for some people (people like me!) can exaggerate the intensity. But, IT IS WORTH CONTINUING. so through these diaries, she has been trying to look for patterns, triggers, situations that may be contributing to my bizarre feelings and sensation. Sometimes an outsider may be able to see something you can't.
I left last weeks session with the diary then this week came back as normal and we discussed what she had noticed whilst reading it. She came to the conclusion that she thinks I am suffering with panic disorder rather than GAD because it strikes me randomly and because to be honest I'm not worrying about any particular thing, apart from these horrible feelings and sensations I get.
Now there is a difference between Anxiety disorders and Panic disorder. I'm inserting a link here if you'd like to have a little read!
Basically though, GAD is anxieties over everyday life events, people being late, mess, money, friends, etc. Panic disorder is often triggered by a stressful event, people find it so alarming and distressing they live in fear of the feeling, creating a relentless cycle of worrying about panic. ME!!!
http://panicdisorder.about.com/od/relatedconditions/a/PDandGAD.htm
There is also something that runs alongside Panic Disorder called 'Limited Symptom Attacks'. This I suffer with HUGELY. Now I was never aware of this disorder or these symptoms. Basically this is less than 4 of the symptoms of a panic attack happening at one time, but lasts a lot longer than a normal 5-20 minute panic attack. But by no means any less frightening! So I've been living most of my days with this LSA disorder, confusing it with GAD. It's nice to know exactly what the problem is.
A full blown panic attack has to consist of 4 or more of these symptoms:
- Shortness of breath
- Heart palpitations
- Trembling
- Dizziness
- Chest Pain
- Perspiration
- Hot Flashes
- Headache
- Derealization
- Hyperventilation
- Nausea
- Vertigo
- Lightheadedness
- Burning sensations
- Choking sensations
- Fear of dying
- Fear of insanity
A LSA attack is fewer than 4 of these. Now I have ranged from 3 - 14 of these symptoms at any one time. Yuk. For the most part I've gotten away with hiding it, those around me wouldn't know. But for a few unfortunate times, I literally couldn't hide it. The dizziness and tingles were too hard to act normal around. It's very distressing to let people see you in any state other than normal and happy, but unfortunately with these kind of disorders it's inevitable!
I had my first panic attack in front of a client this week. I was devastated. It was one I literally couldn't hide. Fortunately she herself used to suffer and she was very sympathic. I was crushed I hadn't been able to hide it, but the force if it, out of nowhere, literally smashed into my body. She was brilliant, was just hard to accept I think.
Anyway, the point I am trying to make, is I do feel alot of hope. Much more then before. I AM NOT GOING MAD. My fight or flight reflex has gone into overdrive and giving me a real hard time. But I am ready to find that control switch and put it back into a normal mode. I am bloody bored of it, tired of it and I've seriously had enough.
For those of you who haven't tried CBT, I urge you to try. And give it your all. Those of you who have and felt like it didn't help, you had a bad therapist or bad treatment from the NHS, try again? A new therapist, a new perspective? I'm so glad I took the plunge. I'm not there yet, but I feel like I'm on the right road to teaching myself this isn't my fault, and it is a physical reaction that's going on within my body.
I hope this has been helpful to some of you!
X
Friday, 15 March 2013
Thursday, 7 March 2013
So I had a little break....
Me and my CBT therapist had been discussing how much I was talking, reading, blogging, researching about anxiety and we decided that I was to experiment with not engaging with it all so much, to see if that helped me control it. So that's why it's been so long since I post last!
So results of that experiment? Can't say I'm any better at all to be honest! Maybe discussing it is more beneficial than I thought! So anyway, here I am, back again. Ready for a little update. It's been extremely emotional since ive been gone, and I feel really low, which is obviously really distressing and not like me at all. So, here goes......
The last few weeks have literally flown by in an awful blur of worry and low mood. I feel like I'm forever trying to pick myself up and those of you who know, that's extremely tiring! I think I've cried more in these last two weeks than I have for the whole 6 month period this had been going on. I hate to have such a negative post when I thought I was doing so well, but I need to be honest with you guys. I guess this is the reality of living with a condition like this.
So CBT wise, I just had session 4, which was the most extremely emotional, thing I think I've ever done. It was so difficult talking about issues, mainly family, that were clearly a cause of huge emotional distress for me. Even writing this is making me well up, it's very hard to get those things out in the open. It freaks me out how hard it is, and the emotions the CBT brings out in me, but I have to remain hopefull that they are helping teach me skills for life, in coping with the obsticals that will get in my way. Because there WILL be loads in my lifetime and I'm sure in yours too.
Does anyone else get a swimming head? It feels like the contents of my brain are swishing around as I type even know, my ears feel blocked, my head feels like a lead weight and my theres a lump in my throat. God, it's tiring!
I've given you 5 paragraphs of miss Negative Nelly to the highest degree, and that my friends, is sucky. I can guarantee you, I am trying my hardest to get this changed, I really am. I want me life back, I want me back, I want all my friends and family to have me back too. I get the feeling now that people are really starting to notice the change in me, and that makes me sad.
I've heard some brilliant stories of how CBT has changed some people's lives, so you people, if you're reading, get in touch, tell me about it. You could help make a difference in to how somebody is feeling. People who are on the same path as me, want to hear your hope as we are hanging on session to session.
Winston Churchill described his depression as a big black dog that was on his shoulder, or followed him around. Well fuck me, I get what he means!
Chicken or the egg? Anxiety or the depression? I can't work it out which was first. (Although technically it was the chicken, as only chickens produce the protein to make the shell - learn something new everyday!).
I think the only good thing I can think right now is that illnesses like this do tend to strike the creative and the intelligent. Ha, always something to feel proud about.
Right, I'm sure I've made you all miserable as hell, apologies, just wanted to give you a real account of what's going down in la la town.
Next post will be brighter. I'm sure.
Ps. This rain DOES NOT HELP!
X
So results of that experiment? Can't say I'm any better at all to be honest! Maybe discussing it is more beneficial than I thought! So anyway, here I am, back again. Ready for a little update. It's been extremely emotional since ive been gone, and I feel really low, which is obviously really distressing and not like me at all. So, here goes......
The last few weeks have literally flown by in an awful blur of worry and low mood. I feel like I'm forever trying to pick myself up and those of you who know, that's extremely tiring! I think I've cried more in these last two weeks than I have for the whole 6 month period this had been going on. I hate to have such a negative post when I thought I was doing so well, but I need to be honest with you guys. I guess this is the reality of living with a condition like this.
So CBT wise, I just had session 4, which was the most extremely emotional, thing I think I've ever done. It was so difficult talking about issues, mainly family, that were clearly a cause of huge emotional distress for me. Even writing this is making me well up, it's very hard to get those things out in the open. It freaks me out how hard it is, and the emotions the CBT brings out in me, but I have to remain hopefull that they are helping teach me skills for life, in coping with the obsticals that will get in my way. Because there WILL be loads in my lifetime and I'm sure in yours too.
Does anyone else get a swimming head? It feels like the contents of my brain are swishing around as I type even know, my ears feel blocked, my head feels like a lead weight and my theres a lump in my throat. God, it's tiring!
I've given you 5 paragraphs of miss Negative Nelly to the highest degree, and that my friends, is sucky. I can guarantee you, I am trying my hardest to get this changed, I really am. I want me life back, I want me back, I want all my friends and family to have me back too. I get the feeling now that people are really starting to notice the change in me, and that makes me sad.
I've heard some brilliant stories of how CBT has changed some people's lives, so you people, if you're reading, get in touch, tell me about it. You could help make a difference in to how somebody is feeling. People who are on the same path as me, want to hear your hope as we are hanging on session to session.
Winston Churchill described his depression as a big black dog that was on his shoulder, or followed him around. Well fuck me, I get what he means!
Chicken or the egg? Anxiety or the depression? I can't work it out which was first. (Although technically it was the chicken, as only chickens produce the protein to make the shell - learn something new everyday!).
I think the only good thing I can think right now is that illnesses like this do tend to strike the creative and the intelligent. Ha, always something to feel proud about.
Right, I'm sure I've made you all miserable as hell, apologies, just wanted to give you a real account of what's going down in la la town.
Next post will be brighter. I'm sure.
Ps. This rain DOES NOT HELP!
X
Thursday, 21 February 2013
What goes up, must come down.....
Rollercoaster........I think this perfectly sums up my emotions and feelings.
My last post I described how I'd had such a good weekend and that I felt that I was getting my old self back. I seriously felt good monday morning. The blog had an absolutely amazing response on Monday, I was retweeted by various big charities and so many of you readers, I had untold comments and messages and I was literally overwhelmed, so thank you all so much. You have no idea what it means!
I say at home reflecting on the days events, and how great it was that I was worrying less when suddenly a thought hit me. What if I start worrying again? Oh dear, looks like I just did. I got an overwhelming rush of panic and felt such a huge disappointment. I spent the rest of that day feeling a little jittery and with a chatterbox mind.
Those of you that don't understand what a chatterbox mind is, I'll explain. It's literally where your mind is whirring about 400 thoughts constantly and so fast, that they all seem to blur so quickly I can't even decipher them anymore. Unbelievably frustrating and can heighten my anxiety as I can't even sort out my own thoughts. This can pretty much go on for the whole day, it makes me feel exhausted. Those of you who know me well and know my job, you know that I have no physical reason to be tired, but sometimes my fatigue is overwhelming.
Anxiety feeds off your negativity, it eats it all up and spits it back out at you with more ferocity. This is turn creates a circle of worry which becomes increasingly vicious and harder to break. So you can imagine my despair when I thought I was getting better and it then took over again, I was crushed. But you see, I AM getting better. A few months back I didn't even have a flicker of the positivity I had that day, therefore I am improving. The way my mind works is a fabulous breeding ground for Annie my anxiety, she likes it here, seems she doesn't want to piss off without a fight!
So today was CBT session number 2 with Rebecca. We were finishing off from the pervious session, gaining a full assessment of me. I must admit I felt more drained after this session, it's very hard and raw to divulge yourself. I am someone that is happy to talk, I'll tell you all about it, I'll admit it strangers, so it must be SO hard for those of you they struggle to open up. But do remember, they've probably heard a lot worse than you have to say, you must put in to get out. They want to help you. I'm definitely looking forward to more sessions, I just wish I could have more sooner!
I was sitting down in the waiting room when another older woman came in and sat down. A few minutes went passed and I just struck up a conversation to which she seemed pleased about. I think it's nice for us to not feel alone and that I'm just as normal as she is. It's reassuring.
I guess what I'm trying to say with all this, is that it's ok for it not to be ok. We aren't designed to be on top of the world 24/7, because then it wouldn't mean anything. But it's also not ok to be not ok 24/7. We all deserve happiness and peace in our lives. We shouldn't live sad, anxious, depressed or in a constant state of fear.
We are going to be on our own personal rollercoaster throughout life, sometimes it's high, sometimes it's low. I'd just rather mine wasn't so dizzying.
Oh and for those of you who need to de-stress, take the time. The benefits are HUGE. I typed 'mindful meditation' into YouTube and there are lots of guided videos for you to listen to. So you just lay down, 15 minutes or so, eyes closed and listen to the video. I don't care of you think that makes me sound like a hippie nutter, the truth is it does relax you. Your mind cannot be in two places at once, so having something to focus on is amazing. The more practice you take the better and the more benefits you receive from it.
Anyway I'm perfectly aware this post is a bit of a jumble, but I had lots of thoughts that needed sharing.
Thank you guys again for all the social media sharing, it's doing good things!
X
My last post I described how I'd had such a good weekend and that I felt that I was getting my old self back. I seriously felt good monday morning. The blog had an absolutely amazing response on Monday, I was retweeted by various big charities and so many of you readers, I had untold comments and messages and I was literally overwhelmed, so thank you all so much. You have no idea what it means!
I say at home reflecting on the days events, and how great it was that I was worrying less when suddenly a thought hit me. What if I start worrying again? Oh dear, looks like I just did. I got an overwhelming rush of panic and felt such a huge disappointment. I spent the rest of that day feeling a little jittery and with a chatterbox mind.
Those of you that don't understand what a chatterbox mind is, I'll explain. It's literally where your mind is whirring about 400 thoughts constantly and so fast, that they all seem to blur so quickly I can't even decipher them anymore. Unbelievably frustrating and can heighten my anxiety as I can't even sort out my own thoughts. This can pretty much go on for the whole day, it makes me feel exhausted. Those of you who know me well and know my job, you know that I have no physical reason to be tired, but sometimes my fatigue is overwhelming.
Anxiety feeds off your negativity, it eats it all up and spits it back out at you with more ferocity. This is turn creates a circle of worry which becomes increasingly vicious and harder to break. So you can imagine my despair when I thought I was getting better and it then took over again, I was crushed. But you see, I AM getting better. A few months back I didn't even have a flicker of the positivity I had that day, therefore I am improving. The way my mind works is a fabulous breeding ground for Annie my anxiety, she likes it here, seems she doesn't want to piss off without a fight!
So today was CBT session number 2 with Rebecca. We were finishing off from the pervious session, gaining a full assessment of me. I must admit I felt more drained after this session, it's very hard and raw to divulge yourself. I am someone that is happy to talk, I'll tell you all about it, I'll admit it strangers, so it must be SO hard for those of you they struggle to open up. But do remember, they've probably heard a lot worse than you have to say, you must put in to get out. They want to help you. I'm definitely looking forward to more sessions, I just wish I could have more sooner!
I was sitting down in the waiting room when another older woman came in and sat down. A few minutes went passed and I just struck up a conversation to which she seemed pleased about. I think it's nice for us to not feel alone and that I'm just as normal as she is. It's reassuring.
I guess what I'm trying to say with all this, is that it's ok for it not to be ok. We aren't designed to be on top of the world 24/7, because then it wouldn't mean anything. But it's also not ok to be not ok 24/7. We all deserve happiness and peace in our lives. We shouldn't live sad, anxious, depressed or in a constant state of fear.
We are going to be on our own personal rollercoaster throughout life, sometimes it's high, sometimes it's low. I'd just rather mine wasn't so dizzying.
Oh and for those of you who need to de-stress, take the time. The benefits are HUGE. I typed 'mindful meditation' into YouTube and there are lots of guided videos for you to listen to. So you just lay down, 15 minutes or so, eyes closed and listen to the video. I don't care of you think that makes me sound like a hippie nutter, the truth is it does relax you. Your mind cannot be in two places at once, so having something to focus on is amazing. The more practice you take the better and the more benefits you receive from it.
Anyway I'm perfectly aware this post is a bit of a jumble, but I had lots of thoughts that needed sharing.
Thank you guys again for all the social media sharing, it's doing good things!
X
Monday, 18 February 2013
Vanishing Fog.....
It's happening, it's lifting, it's clearing, here comes the blue skies. I cannot tell you how much I have missed you.
I'm a 25 year old female again, I'm thinking about what nail colour to choose, new clothes for summer, organising my house. Oh hello Sara's mind, where the feck have you been hiding?
Something has snapped and something has changed. I feel relaxed, I'm remembering what it's like to not worry anymore, I'm finally not afraid anymore. It still lingers and it still fluctuates, but Christ, I feel about a 4 on the scale, not a 10.
As you can probably tell, I'm feeling a tad better. I don't want to get complacent and start running around screaming with joy, I know I'm still on a journey, I'm not niave. So what's gone on? I think for me, acceptance is HUGE. After such a period of time feeling like this, I start to get used to it, which equals me feeling less afraid. This in turn for me, makes me feel more at ease and my feelings seem to calm right down. This has happened to me before, like I've explained in a previous post, when I was 18 and it slowly calmed down.
I left my first NHS CBT session last Wednesday feeling nice and positive, I felt like there was light at the end of probably a very long tunnel. But there was an end. Maybe that's what's lifted me up, who knows.
Don't get me wrong, I still feel the same flickers of panic, racing thoughts, etc etc, but for some reason, they just aren't as powerful, other thoughts can seem to take over and push them away. Let me give you an example...
I went to a club called 'Warehouse' on Saturday night, it's very hot and very busy. That's a breeding ground for some maximum anxiety. I got my usual jelly legs on a few occasions and feeling a tad dizzy, now normally that would've started off the feelings of out of control panic. But I thought to myself, "You know that this is your anxiety doing that to you, you know you're absolutely fine, and to be honest, if you really felt that bad, go home." And the feelings started to lift. Magical. So it turns out I had a really good night, dancing 24/7 with my friends and my boyfriend having a great time. After we left, here comes the second chance on a night out for anxiety to take hold. Finally getting indoors, after drinking, I can sometimes feel very anxious, there's alcohol I'm my body, it promotes weird thoughts and feelings and can really start me off. But, we got in, sat on the sofa under a blanket and had an hour long chat about some really lovely, happy memories. What a nice feeling.
I woke up Sunday morning and we went for a beautiful breakfast, the sun was shining, the food was amazing, my appetite has gone back to normal (which believe it or not, I am totally happy about, it's means I'm back to my old self) and I just couldn't stop smiling.
I guess what I'm trying to say to you all, is that there is a way out of this, and you are still in there somewhere, your old personality just rattling around waiting to be found. Don't give up, fight until you're the last man standing. After all, you are the actual physical being, you've just acquired an imaginary evil enemy for a while. And what do they say about enemies? Keep them close, understand them and drain them of their power.
X
I'm a 25 year old female again, I'm thinking about what nail colour to choose, new clothes for summer, organising my house. Oh hello Sara's mind, where the feck have you been hiding?
Something has snapped and something has changed. I feel relaxed, I'm remembering what it's like to not worry anymore, I'm finally not afraid anymore. It still lingers and it still fluctuates, but Christ, I feel about a 4 on the scale, not a 10.
As you can probably tell, I'm feeling a tad better. I don't want to get complacent and start running around screaming with joy, I know I'm still on a journey, I'm not niave. So what's gone on? I think for me, acceptance is HUGE. After such a period of time feeling like this, I start to get used to it, which equals me feeling less afraid. This in turn for me, makes me feel more at ease and my feelings seem to calm right down. This has happened to me before, like I've explained in a previous post, when I was 18 and it slowly calmed down.
I left my first NHS CBT session last Wednesday feeling nice and positive, I felt like there was light at the end of probably a very long tunnel. But there was an end. Maybe that's what's lifted me up, who knows.
Don't get me wrong, I still feel the same flickers of panic, racing thoughts, etc etc, but for some reason, they just aren't as powerful, other thoughts can seem to take over and push them away. Let me give you an example...
I went to a club called 'Warehouse' on Saturday night, it's very hot and very busy. That's a breeding ground for some maximum anxiety. I got my usual jelly legs on a few occasions and feeling a tad dizzy, now normally that would've started off the feelings of out of control panic. But I thought to myself, "You know that this is your anxiety doing that to you, you know you're absolutely fine, and to be honest, if you really felt that bad, go home." And the feelings started to lift. Magical. So it turns out I had a really good night, dancing 24/7 with my friends and my boyfriend having a great time. After we left, here comes the second chance on a night out for anxiety to take hold. Finally getting indoors, after drinking, I can sometimes feel very anxious, there's alcohol I'm my body, it promotes weird thoughts and feelings and can really start me off. But, we got in, sat on the sofa under a blanket and had an hour long chat about some really lovely, happy memories. What a nice feeling.
I woke up Sunday morning and we went for a beautiful breakfast, the sun was shining, the food was amazing, my appetite has gone back to normal (which believe it or not, I am totally happy about, it's means I'm back to my old self) and I just couldn't stop smiling.
I guess what I'm trying to say to you all, is that there is a way out of this, and you are still in there somewhere, your old personality just rattling around waiting to be found. Don't give up, fight until you're the last man standing. After all, you are the actual physical being, you've just acquired an imaginary evil enemy for a while. And what do they say about enemies? Keep them close, understand them and drain them of their power.
X
Thursday, 14 February 2013
Corrective CBT......
So yesterday was the day I first went to see my new CBT therapist.
Let me explain a bit about how I got my appointment, as this is a service that has been provided to me by the NHS.
So firstly I went to my GP to discuss what was going on, obviously it had got to a worrying point that needing addressing. So he was great anyway, not exactly sympathic but informative. So he gave me a self referral letter that you have to fill in and just send off yourself. It's basically a brief introduction of what's going on with you, so they know what they're dealing with. Anyway within about 10 days of sending it off I recieved a phone call asking if I was available the next week for a telephone assessment. The next week they called and we had about a 45 minute chat discussing what the problem was. Now she had an anxiety, depression, phobias checklist that she was working through. They ask you how you feel about certain situations, 1 being not anxious, 10 being very anxious. Or how much your anxiety affects certain situations, 1 being not at all, 10 being very much so. I was between 8-10 for all of them. Lucky me. Then we arranged an appointment for me to come in to see them, within the next two weeks. So really, for all the processes involved, it was fairly quick. I was impressed.
So I finally got to go yesterday, over to Leytonstone for my first appointment. You have to fill in all the necessary forms of course, so they get to see the levels you're experiencing at this moment in time.
Oh and before I forget, just I'm case you aren't sure, CBT therapy (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) is all about retraining your brain to stop negative thought patterns that can lead to or worsen anxiety, depression or phobias. So it's a lot of hard work, it's no quick fix and it comes with homework!
So my therapist, Rebecca, as soon as she walked in the room I felt her empathy. I felt like I wanted to talk to her, I imagined her to be not much older than me, which for me was reassuring. We discussed what was going on, and I could feel she understood exactly what I was saying, not just going through the motions. We did check lists, and she was writing down lots of what I was saying. I've had other therapists before that are very quiet, waiting for you to talk, but I found this awkward and strange and I used to fill the silence. But she was always asking me questions, probing in the right directions and getting the most if out the session.
Obviously the first session is more about painting a picture of me, so we haven't really gone over any strategies or techniques yet. But I just feel so positive about her, I just do. I do feel positive about it helping, and that's the most important thing I feel. Rather than me just spending an hour venting to a stranger (which is what previous therapists have been like), I felt like we were being proactive! I do understand however that I'm not just going to see her once a week and be cured, I know it's a lot of effort required by yourself. But don't let that dishearten you. Nothing is harder than living on red alert, you can improve.
I understand its all a bit overwhelming, and it takes a lot of dedication, trust me, I really do understand. Even writing that down makes me feel anxious about the task ahead. But what's the other option....? Surrender? No thanks.
There of course is always the other option of anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medications. My delicious little friend Diazepam! Oh how I love thee! I take these little babies to fly, they work enough to get me on board! But anyway, this is a whole other post!
I'll keep you updated on my CBT with Rebecca, I have high hopes for her!
Oh and Ps.....I think one day, I want her job.
X
Let me explain a bit about how I got my appointment, as this is a service that has been provided to me by the NHS.
So firstly I went to my GP to discuss what was going on, obviously it had got to a worrying point that needing addressing. So he was great anyway, not exactly sympathic but informative. So he gave me a self referral letter that you have to fill in and just send off yourself. It's basically a brief introduction of what's going on with you, so they know what they're dealing with. Anyway within about 10 days of sending it off I recieved a phone call asking if I was available the next week for a telephone assessment. The next week they called and we had about a 45 minute chat discussing what the problem was. Now she had an anxiety, depression, phobias checklist that she was working through. They ask you how you feel about certain situations, 1 being not anxious, 10 being very anxious. Or how much your anxiety affects certain situations, 1 being not at all, 10 being very much so. I was between 8-10 for all of them. Lucky me. Then we arranged an appointment for me to come in to see them, within the next two weeks. So really, for all the processes involved, it was fairly quick. I was impressed.
So I finally got to go yesterday, over to Leytonstone for my first appointment. You have to fill in all the necessary forms of course, so they get to see the levels you're experiencing at this moment in time.
Oh and before I forget, just I'm case you aren't sure, CBT therapy (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) is all about retraining your brain to stop negative thought patterns that can lead to or worsen anxiety, depression or phobias. So it's a lot of hard work, it's no quick fix and it comes with homework!
So my therapist, Rebecca, as soon as she walked in the room I felt her empathy. I felt like I wanted to talk to her, I imagined her to be not much older than me, which for me was reassuring. We discussed what was going on, and I could feel she understood exactly what I was saying, not just going through the motions. We did check lists, and she was writing down lots of what I was saying. I've had other therapists before that are very quiet, waiting for you to talk, but I found this awkward and strange and I used to fill the silence. But she was always asking me questions, probing in the right directions and getting the most if out the session.
Obviously the first session is more about painting a picture of me, so we haven't really gone over any strategies or techniques yet. But I just feel so positive about her, I just do. I do feel positive about it helping, and that's the most important thing I feel. Rather than me just spending an hour venting to a stranger (which is what previous therapists have been like), I felt like we were being proactive! I do understand however that I'm not just going to see her once a week and be cured, I know it's a lot of effort required by yourself. But don't let that dishearten you. Nothing is harder than living on red alert, you can improve.
I understand its all a bit overwhelming, and it takes a lot of dedication, trust me, I really do understand. Even writing that down makes me feel anxious about the task ahead. But what's the other option....? Surrender? No thanks.
There of course is always the other option of anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medications. My delicious little friend Diazepam! Oh how I love thee! I take these little babies to fly, they work enough to get me on board! But anyway, this is a whole other post!
I'll keep you updated on my CBT with Rebecca, I have high hopes for her!
Oh and Ps.....I think one day, I want her job.
X
Tuesday, 12 February 2013
Negative Nelly.......
The power of negativity.....
Some days I wake up negative, those days are seriously frustrating days. Other days I wake up ready to fight these crazy feelings and am pleased to be there, in control and ready to go.
So how much is behind the power of positivity?
Now don't get me wrong, any of you guys that know how I feel, when anxiety levels are at their peak, any thoughts of positivity go flying out the bastard window. But on those days, when I feel strong and in control, I literally laugh at myself. I can tell my story to others, giggling at my silly ways, and smiling that I can recognise my thoughts are unfounded and nothing to be worried about.
Anxiety is a devious little sneak.
It knows you are frightened of it, it knows how it can cripple your entire days thoughts. It knows that once that vicious little circle of worry is in your mind for the day, that it's in. Little fucker.
So my eternal question to myself, and to all you lovely little worriers, is how do we break it? Kick it in face, squash it, sit on it, set fire to it to ensure its demise.
I was due CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) last Thursday, but they unfortunately had to cancel because of the bloody tube. So I'm off tomorrow (well today as you read this), and I must admit I am very much looking forward to it. I know and understand the principles of anxiety. I know how it makes me think and how it makes my body feel. I'm not convinced something serious is wrong with me, or that I am going to die. My fear is that this isn't going to go away. But I am realising that the person who is doing this to me is myself.
5 months I've been on anxiety red alert. 5 very long, tedious, tiring months. If I can deal with that, surely I can deal with the uphill climb to peacefulness?
Negativity is all around us, we all create hideous negativity every day. We judge every single human being we lay eyes on. I am also guilty of this, so I won't go preaching. But one thing I have decided on, is that I don't want to be one of those people. I cringe at myself for thinking bad things about others and I cringe even harder listening to others slagging people off. Part of my job as a beautician is to listen to people venting. Explaining their insecurities in obvious ways and by me just picking them up in their body language. It has a profound effect on how people view themselves and how they live their lives. We really should be a kinder race.
I'm in my naughty struggling to sleep pattern right now, so hence the late post. An over tired body creates an over tired mind.
The human body is EXTREMELY powerful. I defiantly contributed to the way I'm feeling, by allowing the fear to take hold. I most definitely plan on correcting this.
X
Some days I wake up negative, those days are seriously frustrating days. Other days I wake up ready to fight these crazy feelings and am pleased to be there, in control and ready to go.
So how much is behind the power of positivity?
Now don't get me wrong, any of you guys that know how I feel, when anxiety levels are at their peak, any thoughts of positivity go flying out the bastard window. But on those days, when I feel strong and in control, I literally laugh at myself. I can tell my story to others, giggling at my silly ways, and smiling that I can recognise my thoughts are unfounded and nothing to be worried about.
Anxiety is a devious little sneak.
It knows you are frightened of it, it knows how it can cripple your entire days thoughts. It knows that once that vicious little circle of worry is in your mind for the day, that it's in. Little fucker.
So my eternal question to myself, and to all you lovely little worriers, is how do we break it? Kick it in face, squash it, sit on it, set fire to it to ensure its demise.
I was due CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) last Thursday, but they unfortunately had to cancel because of the bloody tube. So I'm off tomorrow (well today as you read this), and I must admit I am very much looking forward to it. I know and understand the principles of anxiety. I know how it makes me think and how it makes my body feel. I'm not convinced something serious is wrong with me, or that I am going to die. My fear is that this isn't going to go away. But I am realising that the person who is doing this to me is myself.
5 months I've been on anxiety red alert. 5 very long, tedious, tiring months. If I can deal with that, surely I can deal with the uphill climb to peacefulness?
Negativity is all around us, we all create hideous negativity every day. We judge every single human being we lay eyes on. I am also guilty of this, so I won't go preaching. But one thing I have decided on, is that I don't want to be one of those people. I cringe at myself for thinking bad things about others and I cringe even harder listening to others slagging people off. Part of my job as a beautician is to listen to people venting. Explaining their insecurities in obvious ways and by me just picking them up in their body language. It has a profound effect on how people view themselves and how they live their lives. We really should be a kinder race.
I'm in my naughty struggling to sleep pattern right now, so hence the late post. An over tired body creates an over tired mind.
The human body is EXTREMELY powerful. I defiantly contributed to the way I'm feeling, by allowing the fear to take hold. I most definitely plan on correcting this.
X
Friday, 8 February 2013
Depersonalisation hell......
Not many of you may know what this is, it's a very peculiar sensation that not all anxiety sufferers get. Those of you that do, that are reading this, but are terrified of it, don't worry, I am too.
Basically it makes you feel very peculiar, spaced out, floaty, like you're not really in the room, everything feels muffled and hazy and sometimes tunnel vision. I'm looking at someone and everything else looks fuzzy around them, like I'm sinking away. Sounds weird right, well it IS weird.
Recently I have learnt that is normally a side effect of an extreme tired mind. Well I defiantly have one of those! Basically it's your mind and body's way of having a rest, it's tired, exhausted of listening to itself. You spend so much time worrying and analysing every little thought and feeling you are having of every second of every day, that you do become detached from reality in a way, it can make you cocooned in your own life and world.
So for me, what I want to work out is hard to recuperate from this. So I'm going to give the relaxing CDs a huge go, if that can help ease my tired mind.
When you start suffering from something like this, for someone with anxiety, it sends you into a complete panic meltdown because it feels so strange. Worrying and scary.
How extreme is the human body and mind ay. Wonderful and bizarre in equal measures.
Basically it makes you feel very peculiar, spaced out, floaty, like you're not really in the room, everything feels muffled and hazy and sometimes tunnel vision. I'm looking at someone and everything else looks fuzzy around them, like I'm sinking away. Sounds weird right, well it IS weird.
Recently I have learnt that is normally a side effect of an extreme tired mind. Well I defiantly have one of those! Basically it's your mind and body's way of having a rest, it's tired, exhausted of listening to itself. You spend so much time worrying and analysing every little thought and feeling you are having of every second of every day, that you do become detached from reality in a way, it can make you cocooned in your own life and world.
So for me, what I want to work out is hard to recuperate from this. So I'm going to give the relaxing CDs a huge go, if that can help ease my tired mind.
When you start suffering from something like this, for someone with anxiety, it sends you into a complete panic meltdown because it feels so strange. Worrying and scary.
How extreme is the human body and mind ay. Wonderful and bizarre in equal measures.
I've had lots of private contact from other people who have been suffering or struggling. And it literally breaks my heart. I hope any of you who need to talk would be happy to contact me, or anyone you think would be worthy of listening. Give sharing it a try.....
X
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