Misdiagnosis.....

So my last past was hideous, I was having a severely bad week, alot of anxiety and stress and I'd reached some sort of breaking point. Very unpleasant! 

Anyway, so those of you who have been reading will know that I have been participating in some CBT therapy given to me by the NHS and so far I've praised it pretty highly. So I've seen my therapist Rebecca 5 times up to this point and so far we are still at assessment stage, trying to find out what exactly is going on with me, where is started, why it started, etc etc! I was convinced that I was suffering with GAD (Generalized anxiety disorder) but during our sessions, Rebecca was finding it hard to establish a link between the anxiety and any triggers. I started keeping a diary for her which had the following columns:

- Situation & Trigger
- Emotions 0-100% (physical sensations)
- Initial thought, worry, image, doubt or feeling
- Worry about initial thought or image 
- Alternative response to worry

This diary isn't easy to fill out, it makes you scrutinise how you feel and this for some people (people like me!) can exaggerate the intensity. But, IT IS WORTH CONTINUING. so through these diaries, she has been trying to look for patterns, triggers, situations that may be contributing to my bizarre feelings and sensation. Sometimes an outsider may be able to see something you can't. 

I left last weeks session with the diary then this week came back as normal and we discussed what she had noticed whilst reading it. She came to the conclusion that she thinks I am suffering with panic disorder rather than GAD because it strikes me randomly and because to be honest I'm not worrying about any particular thing, apart from these horrible feelings and sensations I get. 

Now there is a difference between Anxiety disorders and Panic disorder. I'm inserting a link here if you'd like to have a little read! 

Basically though, GAD is anxieties over everyday life events, people being late, mess, money, friends, etc. Panic disorder is often triggered by a stressful event, people find it so alarming and distressing they live in fear of the feeling, creating a relentless cycle of worrying about panic. ME!!!

http://panicdisorder.about.com/od/relatedconditions/a/PDandGAD.htm

There is also something that runs alongside Panic Disorder called 'Limited Symptom Attacks'. This I suffer with HUGELY. Now I was never aware of this disorder or these symptoms. Basically this is less than 4 of the symptoms of a panic attack happening at one time, but lasts a lot longer than a normal 5-20 minute panic attack. But by no means any less frightening! So I've been living most of my days with this LSA disorder, confusing it with GAD. It's nice to know exactly what the problem is. 

A full blown panic attack has to consist of 4 or more of these symptoms:

- Shortness of breath
- Heart palpitations
- Trembling
- Dizziness
- Chest Pain
- Perspiration
- Hot Flashes
- Headache
- Derealization
- Hyperventilation
- Nausea
- Vertigo 
- Lightheadedness
- Burning sensations
- Choking sensations 
- Fear of dying 
- Fear of insanity 

A LSA attack is fewer than 4 of these. Now I have ranged from 3 - 14 of these symptoms at any one time. Yuk. For the most part I've gotten away with hiding it, those around me wouldn't know. But for a few unfortunate times, I literally couldn't hide it. The dizziness and tingles were too hard to act normal around. It's very distressing to let people see you in any state other than normal and happy, but unfortunately with these kind of disorders it's inevitable! 

I had my first panic attack in front of a client this week. I was devastated. It was one I literally couldn't hide. Fortunately she herself used to suffer and she was very sympathic. I was crushed I hadn't been able to hide it, but the force if it, out of nowhere, literally smashed into my body. She was brilliant, was just hard to accept I think. 

Anyway, the point I am trying to make, is I do feel alot of hope. Much more then before. I AM NOT GOING MAD. My fight or flight reflex has gone into overdrive and giving me a real hard time. But I am ready to find that control switch and put it back into a normal mode. I am bloody bored of it, tired of it and I've seriously had enough. 

For those of you who haven't tried CBT, I urge you to try. And give it your all. Those of you who have and felt like it didn't help, you had a bad therapist or bad treatment from the NHS, try again? A new therapist, a new perspective? I'm so glad I took the plunge. I'm not there yet, but I feel like I'm on the right road to teaching myself this isn't my fault, and it is a physical reaction that's going on within my body. 

I hope this has been helpful to some of you!

X

So I had a little break....

Me and my CBT therapist had been discussing how much I was talking, reading, blogging, researching about anxiety and we decided that I was to experiment with not engaging with it all so much, to see if that helped me control it. So that's why it's been so long since I post last! 

So results of that experiment? Can't say I'm any better at all to be honest! Maybe discussing it is more beneficial than I thought! So anyway, here I am, back again. Ready for a little update. It's been extremely emotional since ive been gone, and I feel really low, which is obviously really distressing and not like me at all. So, here goes......

The last few weeks have literally flown by in an awful blur of worry and low mood. I feel like I'm forever trying to pick myself up and those of you who know, that's extremely tiring! I think I've cried more in these last two weeks than I have for the whole 6 month period this had been going on. I hate to have such a negative post when I thought I was doing so well, but I need to be honest with you guys. I guess this is the reality of living with a condition like this. 

So CBT wise, I just had session 4, which was the most extremely emotional, thing I think I've ever done. It was so difficult talking about issues, mainly family, that were clearly a cause of huge emotional distress for me. Even writing this is making me well up, it's very hard to get those things out in the open. It freaks me out how hard it is, and the emotions the CBT brings out in me, but I have to remain hopefull that they are helping teach me skills for life, in coping with the obsticals that will get in my way. Because there WILL be loads in my lifetime and I'm sure in yours too. 

Does anyone else get a swimming head? It feels like the contents of my brain are swishing around as I type even know, my ears feel blocked, my head feels like a lead weight and my theres a lump in my throat. God, it's tiring! 

I've given you 5 paragraphs of miss Negative Nelly to the highest degree, and that my friends, is sucky. I can guarantee you, I am trying my hardest to get this changed, I really am. I want me life back, I want me back, I want all my friends and family to have me back too. I get the feeling now that people are really starting to notice the change in me, and that makes me sad. 

I've heard some brilliant stories of how CBT has changed some people's lives, so you people, if you're reading, get in touch, tell me about it. You could help make a difference in to how somebody is feeling. People who are on the same path as me, want to hear your hope as we are hanging on session to session. 

Winston Churchill described his depression as a big black dog that was on his shoulder, or followed him around. Well fuck me, I get what he means!

Chicken or the egg? Anxiety or the depression? I can't work it out which was first. (Although technically it was the chicken, as only chickens produce the protein to make the shell - learn something new everyday!). 

I think the only good thing I can think right now is that illnesses like this do tend to strike the creative and the intelligent. Ha, always something to feel proud about. 

Right, I'm sure I've made you all miserable as hell, apologies, just wanted to give you a real account of what's going down in la la town. 

Next post will be brighter. I'm sure. 

Ps. This rain DOES NOT HELP! 

X